Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
