the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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