I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
