You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
