Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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