Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
