can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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