he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize