I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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