When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Sext me about skeletons
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