I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
