ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
