Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
