Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize