Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
