I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
