So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This baby is an asshole
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
