i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
