I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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