you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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