I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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