Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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