Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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