i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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