Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
