I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
