god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
