im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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