The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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