just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
