dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
