I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
