Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
