At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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