the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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