I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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