I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
