Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
