I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
