My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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