I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
