my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize