just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
