Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
