The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
