he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize