Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
