If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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