I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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