I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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