Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
