So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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