Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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