You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
