I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
