Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
