Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
