i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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