Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
