It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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