I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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