So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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