I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just want to make out with him forever
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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