How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
