guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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