Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize